Lately I’ve really been struggling with constantly putting myself down. Nothing I do is good enough for me, everyone else is better than me. I find myself constantly comparing myself to those around me and in my mind I am always falling short. I am full of insecurities about who I am. For example, I love playing the piano, it's my way to relax and melt away my stress. But lately, I hear others playing and all I can think about is how much better they are then me and that causes me to analyze and criticize my own playing which does not make it very relaxing. I came across this quote the other day and the words ring true to me right now, but at the same time, they haven’t quite stuck yet. "Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self-worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as you see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different."
That last part of the quote is precisely my problem recently. I don’t accept who I am. I feel like I don’t measure up and that if I truly let go and be myself around people that they won’t accept me for me. I want so badly to be accepted and loved that a lot of the time I try to change who I am. It’s okay to change things about yourself, but not if the only reason is because you think someone else will like you better for it. Somehow I need to ingrain this into my head. I know I’m probably not the only one that that struggles with this, but sometimes it sure feels like it. I look around at all these beautiful girls who appear confident and appear to have it all together and then I see me and practically see the opposite. I just feel awkward all the time and I think what is wrong with me?
I feel horrible for feeling this way, I feel like it’s a slap in the face of God because He made me who I am and God does not make mistakes. Psalm 139:14 "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." I need to be looking ultimately to God for this love and acceptance I desire because only He can give that unconditional love and no matter how I act or how much I mess up, He still loves and accepts me for me. And this is comforting to know that even if everyone hated me (which isn’t true, but if it was) God would still be there with open arms waiting for me to run in. This is just something that God is continually working with me on.
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