Phew!

I finally finished everything with my grad school application. Yay!  I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.  For the past two weeks I've been scrambling to finish and perfect my resume, the essay, and the application and to get all the materials together to send off.  And now after all that stressing, it's now officially out of my hands.  It's such a relief on one hand, but on the other hand it's nervewracking.  All I can do now is wait in anticipation and hope that I get accepted.

After the stress of recent and irritations and such, I decided to just get off campus and take a me day.  I went to my second home aka Barnes and Noble and was there for about 5 1/2 hours.  It was bliss. I studied, and read C.S. Lewis, listened to music...During the time I was there, there was these two people sitting at the two tables next to me who started conversing about beliefs and God and the Bible.  So I paused my ipod, but kept my headphones in so I could discreetly listen.  The man said that he was an anti-theist, not an atheist, an anti-theist.  He had some really interesting arguments, several of which I'd never heard before.  He cited specific scripture verses several times too, and I looked them up as he talked about them and some of them he was just taking completely out of context, but others had me thinking "what Bible did he read?"  It was really interesting.  There were several times I wanted to interject, but I was not sure enough of my knowledge to do that.  I hate that.  I want to be confident enough in my faith to be able to talk to people openly about it.  However, even if I would have been confident in this situation, the man seemed very set in his ways and not open to suggestion or in changing his viewpoints.  As he brought up new arguments and sub-points for each argument, I opened a word document and began typing out his conversation (unbeknownst to him of course).  Now I can take his arguments and study them and turn to the Bible so that next time I can perhaps feel more confident speaking about my faith.

I've been so busy lately that my priorities have gotten a little skewed.  I've pushed God to the sidelines and said "I'll get to Him when I have time."  I've really been working on changing this lately.  I'm beginning to feel distance from God and it's my fault and I don't like it.  I've started up daily time with God again, but half the time I don't know where to start.  I know that may sound silly, but that's how I feel.

We serve an awesome God!

I was recently going through old sermon notes and I found a quote my pastor made saying "God can grow roses out of life's manure." I really like how this quote is put. No matter how stinky and yucky life gets, God can make something as beautiful as a rose come from it. God can work even through our sin to fulfill his will. Wow, what an AWESOME God we serve!

Note to self: God loves me for me

So, I have decided I am going to try to keep up with my blog. Writing provides a release for feelings, thoughts and struggles that I’ve been holding inside. So here goes for my first post in like forever! Haha.

Lately I’ve really been struggling with constantly putting myself down. Nothing I do is good enough for me, everyone else is better than me. I find myself constantly comparing myself to those around me and in my mind I am always falling short. I am full of insecurities about who I am. For example, I love playing the piano, it's my way to relax and melt away my stress. But lately, I hear others playing and all I can think about is how much better they are then me and that causes me to analyze and criticize my own playing which does not make it very relaxing. I came across this quote the other day and the words ring true to me right now, but at the same time, they haven’t quite stuck yet. "Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self-worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as you see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different."

That last part of the quote is precisely my problem recently. I don’t accept who I am. I feel like I don’t measure up and that if I truly let go and be myself around people that they won’t accept me for me. I want so badly to be accepted and loved that a lot of the time I try to change who I am. It’s okay to change things about yourself, but not if the only reason is because you think someone else will like you better for it. Somehow I need to ingrain this into my head. I know I’m probably not the only one that that struggles with this, but sometimes it sure feels like it. I look around at all these beautiful girls who appear confident and appear to have it all together and then I see me and practically see the opposite. I just feel awkward all the time and I think what is wrong with me? 

I feel horrible for feeling this way, I feel like it’s a slap in the face of God because He made me who I am and God does not make mistakes. Psalm 139:14 "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." I need to be looking ultimately to God for this love and acceptance I desire because only He can give that unconditional love and no matter how I act or how much I mess up, He still loves and accepts me for me. And this is comforting to know that even if everyone hated me (which isn’t true, but if it was) God would still be there with open arms waiting for me to run in. This is just something that God is continually working with me on.

It's been a year...

Last year at this time I was preparing to go to Australia and anxiously awaiting the day of departure. Now I am back at Simpson. It's been an interesting adjusting period. Everyone asks about Australia and it's a challenge to know what to tell them. How long of an answer do they want? I want to tell them all my stories, but at the same time I don't want to bore them and for most of the stories they would be meaningless to those who weren't there when they were actually happening. The more time goes on the more I realize that while I was in Australia, though I was having the time of my life, I was also constantly thinking of people back home missing them, but now that I'm back home I constantly think about the people who I was with in Australia and wishing I could go back with those people and about how many more things I could have done while in Australia. Why is it so hard to just live in the present where I'm at and enjoy the here and now rather than always dwelling on the past and wishing I could go back to it?

Though only in Australia for four short months, it definitely did take some adjusting coming back to the states. Even just little things, but things like remembering which side of the car to get in and not freaking out when it looks like no one's driving....lol. Things like having to go to class three times a week instead of once a week, not being able to just catch a bus/train or ferry to go on random cool adventures with friends or by myself, not being able to simply go to the beach to do homework whenever I feel like it and things like not going out and doing stuff with friends almost every day and night.

I recently joined a program with a group at Simpson where we read through the Bible in 90 days. We read about 12 pages a day and then once a week we all meet for discussion and there's a video we watch with a speaker. This along with resources to help us makes it so it's not simply reading through the Bible but helping us engage in it as well. I have only just started but I am super excited to see where God takes me on this journey. Some people might ask why you would want to read the whole Bible and my answer is that I want to know the Bible in it's entirety, to be more familiar with it and I hope it will draw me closer to my Savior Jesus Christ. Also, when people in my life ask me a question about Jesus or the Bible I want to be able to better answer the question and better direct them on where to look in Scriptures. While in Australia, I had a couple instances where someone on the street in passing heard our American accents and started talking with us. We mentioned that we went to Westley University which led to talking about how we are Christians. One instance in particular, a woman began telling us her story and asking lots of questions and I found myself unsure of how to best answer. Thankfully my friend with me answered with specific verse in the Bible and other knowledge about Jesus that comes from a closer relationship with Him and from knowing His word. This instance really encouraged me to strive to learn more and more so I can better answer questions that are thrown at me.

I hope to continue to update this blog as the semester continues, but we'll see how busy I get.

New Zealand

Once again, I apologize for the delay of this post and it is kinda long overdue, but I still want to post it.

Sunday June 14th all of us ASCers met outside of Wesley ready to set off on a new adventure, but sad to leave the life we'd made the last four months in Australia. It was hard saying goodbye, especially since I knew that the odds of seeing them again are pretty slim.

We arrived in Aukland, New Zealand after an uneventful 3ish hour flight. There was rolling green hills everywhere!! It was so BEAUTIFUL! All the green and hills made me realize how much I had missed home. After collecting all our bags and getting through customs (thankfully there weren't too many snags at customs, just a few minor ones) we were off to the YHA we were staying at for the night.

Monday, June 15th we headed to a town called Whakatani (pronouned Fahkahtahnee) which was a few hour bus ride away. There we stayed at a Maori (the native people of New Zealand) village. The Maori have a sacred house (like our church) that they call a Marae. This is the building we slept in, they had mattresses laid out in rows on the floor, boys on one side, girls on the other (for the most part anyway). Interacting with this Maori family was a lot of fun, I learned alot about their culture and it was very interesting.

Tuesday we began the journey back to Aukland, but stopped in Rotorua for the night. We stopped at another Maori village where in one of their churches they have a famous window with an etching of Jesus that's pretty neat. Jesus is etched into the window, but when you look at it you see him against the view outside the window and if you look at the right angle it looks like he's walking on water. We also went to a Maori cultural show where we got to experience a traditional hangi meal, and some traditional Maori ceremonies. The thermal resort we stayed at in Rotorua had a natural hot springs hot tub that was a lot of fun, though it smelled like rotten eggs because of the sulfur.

Wednesday we completed our journey back to Aukland. On the drive back we stopped in Hobbiton, the town where some of Lord of the Rings was filmed. However, to get technical, the movie was filmed on a farm just outside of Hobbiton, and you have to pay lots of money to go out to that farm, but the town is now called Hobbiton. We also stopped at a place called Te Puia where we saw a geyser and lots of other natural thermal areas. We stayed the night in the same hostel in Aukland we stayed in the first night.

Thursaday we went to a place called Laidlaw Mountain where we were going to hike up and look at some ruins of a city, however, I had been having issues with my foot (shoes with bad support and it had been hurting pretty bad) so Kimberly (the ASC director) had me stay behind in the bus. I had a nice long chat with the bus driver though, I got to hear all kinds of stories about trips he'd been on, groups he'd had in the bus, etc.

Friday was our free day, we could do anything we wanted to. I started out shopping a bit with some of the group, but we got split up so I went off by myself to explore Aukland more. I had a map and found several parks around and began to head towards one. I walked to several different ones before I found one that was what I wanted.....peaceful, off the beaten track, and with good places to sit. I found a nice tree, climbed up in it and jornaled and just sat and relaxed for quite a while.

Saturday we again packed up all our stuff and returned to Aukland airport. These goodbyes were even harder than Australia because we had to say goodbye to Kimberly, Melanie, and Matt and we said our goodbyes to each other there too in case we didn't get a chance in the confusion at LAX. I pretty much bawled my eyes out.....yep that sums it up. The flight back was super long, even though it was only 12 hours (which was 2 hours shorter than our flight to Australia) it felt like an eternity. I didn't sleep at all and I was boxed in by sleeping elderly people. I watched 5 1/2 movies. This was the day I got to live twice. We left the Aukland airport at around 3pm on Saturday, June 20th, were on a plane for 12hours, then arrived in LAX at around 7am Saturday, June 20th. Weird. A bunch of us went to Chantel's house from the airport for something to do during our layovers. Her mom made us breakfast, it was amazing, though we all fell asleep all over her living room floor. I however, didn't go back to the airport. My aunt and uncle, who live nearby, picked me up.

I spent a few days with my aunt and uncle and got to see my cousins and their new baby and got to hang out with my other cousin. Then on Tuesday, June 23rd, they drove me to the Long Beach airport and I flew home. And that ends the most amazing 4 month journey ever!

The Last Few Weeks in Sydney

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted, the last two months were crazy busy!

Here are the pictures I took for my final photography portfolio:

I went surfing for the first time ever! I wasn't very good at it, but it was such a fun experience. I almost got up a couple times, but my timing was a bit off. On one wave, I fell off the board, only to be pummeled by the next 3 waves and somewhere in that time, my board hit me in the head right above my eye. Thankfully it wasn't bad, but it did bleed, haha, a battle wound.

I also did the Harbor Bridge Climb where I climbed up over the Sydney Harbor Bridge. It was such an awesome experience! By the time we got to the top it was dark outside so the city lights were spectacular. We also got to see what they call the "black rainbow". The lights under the Harbor Bridge are so bright that they cast the bridge's shadow in the night sky, it was so cool to see! It was also super windy at the top so that made it more fun as well.

The last Wednesday at Wesley, we had our chapel time (The Gathering) outside and it was a BBQ. Well, my trip to school this day involves yet another crazy bus story. I was walking to the bus stop and I was only a few feet away when I saw the bus drive by. So, I sprinted to the bus stop in hopes that I would catch the bus. I reached the stop while the bus still had it's doors open so I approached the steps and right as I was about to step up into the bus, the driver shut the doors, in my face I might add, and drove off. He wasn't even late or anything, in fact he was early so I don't know why he was in such a hurry and why he so rudely slammed the doors in my face. So, I ended up having to wait for the next bus and consequently that made me late to The Gathering.

The Friday before we left, Charlie (one of the ASCers) threw a party at his house and a whole bunch of Aussie's came and also most of the Americans. It was super fun, but hard to say goodbye to some of the Aussies.

The Rest of the Super Long One

Saturday I had my service placement again. This time we started off by going to one ladies apartment and cleaning windows. When we'd finished she had lunch waiting for us, she was super nice! Service placement has been so good! I am really glad I was placed where I was.

Sunday I went with Amy and my host brother Anthony to the Salvation Army church. It was interesting, I thought at first I'd come to the wrong place because the person up front was reading verses in Chinese, but then it went back to English and all was good.

Monday the Indigenous section of the ASC class started and we have an Aboriginal teacher named Jennifer. She's really fun, we drew pictures of how the Aborigines believe the land got settled. i'm really excited for this portion of the class and to learn more about the Aborigine culture.

Tuesday a bunch of us went over to the guys house to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. We had chips and salsa and guacamole. Mexican food is very rare over here, so it was nice to have a taste of it again. We played several games of Mafia, it was lots of fun!

Wednesday I had a New Testament paper due (yes, I do actually have school work over here) so I was scrambling to finish that up. For this paper we had to take a passage in Mark and find it's parallel in Matthew and/or Luke and compare and contrast them. It was really interesting. Wednesday night I went over to the guys house and hung out for a while. We were there until 3 in the morning and by that point none of them wanted me to walk home alone, so I went home with some of the other girls and spent the night at their house then left early the next morning to get home.

Thursday I went with Amy and Jess around the city to make a movie. We stopped at Westfield shopping center in Burwood and rode in shopping carts and such up and down their escalator ramp thingys, then stopped by school and filmed some around there. Then we went into the city and swam in several different fountains, Hyde Park fountain being our main destination. It was super fun! Thursday night was movie night, we watched The Castle, well, most people watched it, I kinda slept throught the whole thing. I want to watch it though, I hear it's really good. After movie night we went over to the guys house yet again and hung out for a while.

Friday was an interesting day. For class we were meeting in the city at a museum. Amy and I went to catch a bus to the city, but the bus was 20 minutes late. That was the first thing that went wrong with the bus. Second, we were in the city and the bus turned in one direction that made Amy and I questions whether we were on the right bus or not, we were pretty sure we were, but we decided we should make sure. So, I stood up to go up and ask the bus driver. We were at a red light at the time, but as soon as I stood up the light turned green and the bus driver floored it, jerking the bus forward. I reached out to grab the bars, but missed and went flying backwards down the aisle of the bus past about 4-5 rows of seats and landed in the back sprawled out on the floor. Don't worry I wasn't hurt too badly, it was more shocking and funny then anything. I just banged up my knee pretty good, that's all. Third, on the buses here you have to press a button signalling to the driver that you want off at the next stop, otherwise they don't stop. So, I press the button so the driver would stop at the next stop where Amy and I needed to get off for the museum. We got to the stop and the driver looked back at us and kept driving. We said "excuse me, we wanted off there" but he kept on driving and driving all the way down the road and around the corner to the next stop. By that time Amy and I were in the front of the bus telling the driver that we had wanted off at the last stop. Well, he starts yelling, yes, literally yelling, at us saying that we didn't tell him we wanted off there and he'd asked if that was where we wanted off but that we didn't answer, etc. etc. Well, if he did ask us, we didn't hear him and what the heck are the buttons for if not to signal that that's where we wanted to stop, why did he think we pressed the button, for fun? Anyway, he was still yelling as Amy and I just decided to walk off the bus. He was an awful bus driver. Despite all that, we made it just in the nick of time. The Australian museum was neat. There was a whole bunch on Aboriginals as well as other many cool exhibits, such as skeletons, dinosaurs, jewels, etc. After the mueseum, we proceeded to the NSW Art Gallery and were shown around the Aboriginal art by our teacher Jennifer. We also got to see this new exhibit that had just been put up and wouldn't be opening till the next day, but Jennifer new one of the workers who let us go down and check it out! It was cool! Friday evening a group of us went to the Opera House for the Message Sticks Indigenous Film Festival to watch a bunch of short films made by Indigenous people. It was free to get in and it was in the Opera House, so why not go?? It was really interesting and I really enjoyed the films. Each of them had a strong message to share about Aborigine's and their culture.

Saturday I had service placement again. I woke up and realized I couldn't really move my neck, I could a little bit to the right, but not at all to the left and it even hurt just to hold my head up sraight, I had to tilt it slightly to the right. This was whiplash as a result of falling on the bus the day before. Despite this lack of mobility, I still went to service placement and I'm really glad I did, it was an amazing day! We re-visited this elderly couple we'd seen back towards when I first started. Dick and Vivian. They are such a sweet couple; they have the kind of relationship I want when I'm older. They have been married over 50 years!!

Sunday I was going to go to Hillsong with Jess, but her bus came early and she missed it so I didn't end up going to that. Instead, I went to meet up with a few other ASCers at the Opera House for more Message Sticks stuff. This time it wasn't short films, it was one longer film called Barking Waters. It was interesting, not the greatest filming quality, but the story was good. From there we went to a local theater to see the movie callled Samson and Delilah. It's a story about two Aboriginal teenagers and their journey. It was a fantastic movie! Very strong message!